Reflection by Stephanie Kane
WORD WATCH: Friend
According to Merriam Webster, a friend is “one attached to another person by affection or esteem.”
and
I have over 1,300 Facebook “friends.”
and
My primary thought when I mindlessly scroll through my Facebook feed is usually, “who are all these people?”
So much for affection or esteem.
Making friends has always come easily to me. So it should come as no surprise that when I was 13 I asked my parents for a Facebook account to further connect with my growing gaggle of girlfriends. My parents said yes (as long as they could be “friends” with me (are my parents my “friends”?) and the rest is history.
Since that fateful day when my parents insisted I “friend” them, the meaning of the word has continued to erode. Anthropologists suggest that an individual really can only have 5-7 close friends, and that number drops down to 3-5 if that person is in a romantic relationship. Beyond that, it is estimated that the true limit of social stable ties is about 150 people, and that number includes both those close friendships as well as weaker ties- the tertiary friends you only see at parties, the barista who knows your order, your kid’s soccer coach....
On Facebook, I have access to 1,300+ people. I know if they’re in relationships or expecting a child. I know their opinions on the latest movies and their political views. I know when they’ve landed their dream job and when they’ve experienced personal tragedies.
However, I don’t know them, and they don’t know me. We don’t know each other’s deepest fears and insecurities, or what our laughs sound like when we can’t suppress them anymore. We don’t know the faces we make when we’re lost in thought or the annoying habits that somehow become endearing when seen from a view of affection or esteem.
I sincerely care for and have love in my heart for these 1,300 people who somehow have found their way into my online life in the seventeen years I’ve participated in the social internet. But true friendship isn’t just about affection or esteem; it’s something more ineffable, only forged in the magical third space where you and I become greater than the sum of our parts. My real friends (if you think you’re one of them, you are), are some of the greatest gifts in my life. And while there are many, there are most certainly not 1,300.
The Shift: Take some time, perhaps on this Shabbat of Elul, to reflect on your relationships. Are there friends to whom you want to reach out for amends? Are there ways in which you can be a better friend to others? Can you make a list of friends you want to prioritize and celebrate this coming year? Maybe just one?
One way to repair the word “friend” is to take it offline- ask a friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to grab a coffee or a drink. Face to face, friend by friend, one by one - that’s how love is won.
